This past year, I was challenged by my boss to find a word to guide me through the year or a goal word. Before being diagnosed with cancer, I thought this was corny. Most people want to loose weight, eat healthier, run more, drink less… This task has a new meaning for me. Nothing matters if I am not here.

Last year, my word was live. All I want to do is live. This year, my guide word was PRESENT. My goal was to be present. Not just go through the motions of living, but to be present in my life, to be present in my children’s lives, to be present in my family life.

My biggest fear is that my family and I are just going through the motions and not actually living. I envy and could probably say I am jealous of those with terminal illnesses that can just escape and fulfill their bucket lists. What I would give to take my kids on life adventures, to show them the world, to explore our home islands in the Caribbean, to visit Paris, Disney World, Seattle, Australia…. to see Jimmy Fallon, Jonas Brothers concerts, SNL…. OMG- if only Jamon and I could do Carpool Karaoke! I could list things forever, but would this be fair to my kids and husband to make them abandon their lives to fulfill my dreams. Would asking my son to give up college so we could have more time together be fair?

It wouldn’t. This isn’t about me. I fight for them. There is no other option for me than tackling chemo with a smile, getting more opinions, and trying to find a miracle. I have to believe, because my kids, my husband, and my Mom believe in me.

I feel selfish already. Our lives revolve around my treatment, how I feel, and what I can and can not do. My daughter asks me a few times a week, “when do you go to Moffitt again” and “what will happen when I go”. I can’t sign them up for soccer, dance, or t-ball because it is just too much. Disney World keeps getting postponed because the travel to Tampa and Boston for doctors and treatment is more important. I am already selfish, our lives revolve around doing all we can to keep me here.

I can’t explain how I feel when I think of my kids loosing their Mom or my husband loosing his wife. (The tears and snot are hitting the floor as I type this.) I don’t want to leave them. So, my goal is to be present in life more- to be engaged, to communicate more, to sit on the floor and play more, to lay in bed and chat with my daughter at night, to sit in silence with my husband and hold hands, to play outside with the kids (even if I am sitting in a chair because I hurt), to binge watch shows with my big kid, and to cuddle with my 3 year old every night. I want to giggle, laugh, sing, yell, and cry with my family everyday. I want to support their successes and challenges… I want to be present and make memories.

So I challenge all of you to ask yourselves these questions (it’s the teacher in me- these are all things I have asked myself and was guilty of).

1. Are you really present when you are home? Do you put your phone down?
2. Is work your excuse? Do you hide behind it?
3. Is getting to bed on time that important?
4. Is ice cream or chips once in a while for breakfast a bad thing for the kids?

You should write letters…Really?