You can’t tell I am scared, but I am. I am acting normal but I am nervous. We all are. Tomorrow is a scan day.

One would think I would be used to this and I am, but the fear never goes away. You can’t help but wondering about what can go wrong when you have learned the hard way that the unthinkable can happen. Prior to being diagnosed with this life altering, incurable disease, those around me would have procedures done and I wouldn’t think anything of the risks because the chance of them happening is low. However, I now know that the unthinkable does really happen and I have learned to be “optimistic but realistic”. I quote this because I was lucky enough to have a very supportive supervisor who when this journey began stressed to me the importance of being optimistic but realistic. His words have stuck with me every day.

Scan days are tough. You hope and pray the chemo is working and the cancer is being knocked down. My scan tomorrow is a little more worrisome because last week I had a lymph node that was painful and hard. I had never had a lymph node I could feel before. This scan should enlighten us. Also, after 13 rounds of Carboplatin and Etoposide, I am realistic that there will come a time when these drugs will no longer be effective and won’t stop the cancer. There are a few other treatment options but due to the low incidence of small cell high grade neuroendocrine cancer, there is little data available.

Although I am scared, I am hopeful and ready for the scan and more chemo. Do I get frustrated? Yes, daily. I am finally feeling pretty good. I had an amazing day with my big boys (husband and 21 year old) doing normal people things. We went to the Y, had lunch, and went to the movies to see Hustle. It was a silly,really bad movie but we giggled and couldn’t stop watching. I even drove to pick up my little ones from school! Tomorrow, my abilities will change as soon as I have chemo…… but I try to remember it is all part of this adventure and my only option.

As I end this post to go cuddle with my 3 year old- (He asked me tonight if we could have no chemo and no Ms. Amanda (babysitter) and just stay home. He had never said the word chemo before.)- I leave you with my humortherapy….. as I head into the PET scan tomorrow my husband will be singing under his breath… “Radioactive, radioactive”.

Why Radioactive? When you have a PET scan, you are injected with a nuclear material that is radioactive. They even inject it with a lead needle like the ones you see on the super hero movies.